One of my male friends is looking to move home, out of the city centre and into the suburbs. I asked where he fancied - north, south, east or west. He shrugged. 'I have no say in it,' he said. 'It's not my decision.'
I pointed out that choosing where to live is one of the biggest decisions we make. Plus, he'd be paying for at least half of it. Surely he had some say? He shook his head. 'The wife decides.'
This same friend last year kowtowed to his then girlfriend's desire for a massive wedding with more than 200 guests and costing more than £20,000, even though he admitted that his preference would have been for a much smaller and more intimate affair. I like this friend dearly, but I find myself losing some of the respect I used to have for him. I want to shout: 'Where's your spine, you emasculated fool?'
Perhaps my frustration is related to my own mixed feelings about the complicated business of decision-making in relationships. Last summer, quite early on in our relationship, my partner asked me what colour of shirt and tie he should wear to a wedding. I gave him a look intended to convey: 'I'm your partner, not your mother.'
Needless to say, he wasn't able to mindread or to pick up on my twisted facial expressions and he asked again. By way of reply, I said:
'What colour of dress should I wear? And what colour of nail varnish? And should I wear my hair up or down?' (I know, it's an example of appallingly passiveaggressive and indirect communication.)
He frowned as if he couldn't quite understand the questions. 'Wear what you like,' he said.
'Exactly,' I said. 'And it's the same for you.' He gave me that 'women, I'll never understand them' look - and he later told me that his previous girlfriend often told him what to wear, especially on a night out involving her friends.
I'm sure you're probably thinking: the poor confused guy. But why should women bear the burden of decision-making in a relationship?
Why is there an expectation that the woman will make the majority of the choices - from the minor and flippant, such as what to wear, to the more major, such as where to live?
It is as if, on top of everything else, she has to become the chief decision-maker, the 'decider.'
Studies appear to confirm that women are increasingly the dominant decision-making force in relationships.
A recent report found that by 2020 women will be driving the world economy and will have the final say in the majority of financial decisions in Britain's homes. Another study found that women make 80 per cent of all purchasing decisions, and 94 per cent of home furnishing purchases.
The study also found that in nearly half of all relationships men have no share in decision-making in the following four areas: household finances, big home purchases, the location of their homes, shared weekend activities and television viewing.
Some have hailed these figures as cause for celebration - women have the power. Personally, I think they're cause for concern. If we're really striving for equality, then surely that should reach out into all aspects of life. But most women I know don't feel like this.
One of my friends, a stay-at-home mother to two young children, says she is absolutely 'the decider' in her marriage.
'My husband earns the money and I decide how we spend it,' she says. 'I feed and dress us all. I decide where and when we go on holiday. I choose everything for the house and have just decided to get an extension.
'I even buy my own birthday present from my husband and our children. Actually, I quite often feel as if I have three children, not two. But that's the way it is.'
She went on: 'If I had to consult and strive for equality in every decision, we'd never get anything done. It sounds very old-fashioned, but basically my husband is the provider - in financial terms - and I am in charge of running the show.
'Some people would no doubt say my husband's "under the thumb" or that I "wear the trousers". Although I hate the thought, it's probably true.'
Jenny, a consultant urologist, sees things from a different perspective. 'I work in a very male-oriented environment. I watch men strut about the hospital. At work, they hold all the power. Some of them clearly revel in it - they actually get off on bossing junior people, often women, about.
'But when I see them with their wives, they are completely different people. They are like little boys. They do as they're told. They ask permission to have a drink. It's as if, for a lot of them, their wives are more like their mothers than their equals.
'I am exactly the same person whether I'm at work or at home. I regard my husband as my absolute equal and I treat him as my absolute equal. But my male colleagues aren't like that.
'They're like two completely different people - at home I get the impression they don't have much power.
'The wife has it all. At work, they seem to overcompensate for that and strut about like little masters of the universe.' Some experts believe that a lot of men like to have a 'wife-led' relationship, saying it makes them feel relatively 'safe and mothered'.
And there are plenty of celebrity couples who appear to enjoy this kind of partnership.
Last year, at a post-Oscar party Calista Flockhart was heard telling her partner Harrison Ford to go easy on the champagne, prompting celebrity watchers to suggest the actor was well and truly under the thumb.
David Beckham, Brad Pitt and Gavin Henson have also been dubbed at various times 'hen-pecked'.
But the very idea of being in a relationship in which another person makes decisions on your behalf terrifies others.
One male friend said it was watching his friends change from free- spirited, independent individuals to emasculated husbands that put him off marriage. 'I would say the vast majority of my male friends are subservient to their wives.
'They'd never admit this, of course. But it's blindingly obvious. They remind me of that cartoon in which a woman is grinning manically and gripping on to her husband, saying: "Our marriage has been so successful because we are open to each other's points of view, and we always think for ourselves - isn't that right, dear?"
'The husband is nodding frantically. It's an exaggeration, obviously, but it's not too far from what I see. I am afraid of ending up like that. Which is why I've decided to give marriage a body-swerve.'
I understand his fears. I come from a family of strong, dominant women. I'm not sure I want the role. But at the same time I'm not sure I want the other extreme. I cherish my autonomy too much. Someone making all the decisions on my behalf is as unappealing as being in charge of everything.
This may all sound terribly petty and insignificant. But it is often a crucial factor in the health and survival of a relationship.
Most of us tell ourselves that, if we are part of a couple, we make decisions together and treat each other as equals with no power relations. This fits with the image of a modern relationship as one of balance, trust and equality.
But this is rarely the case in real life. I remember a famous psychologist saying that, though we all like to think otherwise, competitiveness and potential hostility pervade all human relationships.
As a result, making decisions as part of a couple - whether about handling money, housework, social life or children - is often fraught at some level (usually an unconscious one), with struggles for power and superiority.
As one therapist explained: 'One of the fundamental conflicts of human nature is the conflict between being an individual with your own sense of self, identity, autonomy and independence, and falling in love with someone, which involves giving up some of your identity, autonomy and independence.
'In an ideal world we would all get the balance right. There would be no dominant partner, no "decider". But in real life there is often a stronger, more dominant partner - and it is very often the woman - and a more submissive, or "laid-back" partner.
'If it works for both, fine. But problems arise when one begins to resent the role they are playing.'
I am convinced that the friend I mentioned - the one who's practically surrendered himself to his wife - is going to wake up one morning, perhaps in five years, perhaps in a decade, and think: 'How did this happen?'
And because human beings are generally bad at communicating their fears and resentments, I'm convinced his reaction will be to rebel, and in all likelihood, stray.
There is no doubt that in life it's often easier to have someone else make the decisions for us, no matter how big or small they are. But deep down, human beings like to believe - in fact, they need to believe - they have some control over their own lives.
Which is why striving for balance and equality in a relationship, though it takes real effort, is the best recipe for success in the end.
So if I were my friend's wife I would resist the urge to make all the big decisions on his behalf. Women shouldn't mother their partners. They're men. Not babies. And if a man wants to be mothered?
If he wants you to make all the decisions on his behalf? It's a red flag. Run a mile.
I pointed out that choosing where to live is one of the biggest decisions we make. Plus, he'd be paying for at least half of it. Surely he had some say? He shook his head. 'The wife decides.'
This same friend last year kowtowed to his then girlfriend's desire for a massive wedding with more than 200 guests and costing more than £20,000, even though he admitted that his preference would have been for a much smaller and more intimate affair. I like this friend dearly, but I find myself losing some of the respect I used to have for him. I want to shout: 'Where's your spine, you emasculated fool?'
Perhaps my frustration is related to my own mixed feelings about the complicated business of decision-making in relationships. Last summer, quite early on in our relationship, my partner asked me what colour of shirt and tie he should wear to a wedding. I gave him a look intended to convey: 'I'm your partner, not your mother.'
Needless to say, he wasn't able to mindread or to pick up on my twisted facial expressions and he asked again. By way of reply, I said:
'What colour of dress should I wear? And what colour of nail varnish? And should I wear my hair up or down?' (I know, it's an example of appallingly passiveaggressive and indirect communication.)
He frowned as if he couldn't quite understand the questions. 'Wear what you like,' he said.
'Exactly,' I said. 'And it's the same for you.' He gave me that 'women, I'll never understand them' look - and he later told me that his previous girlfriend often told him what to wear, especially on a night out involving her friends.
I'm sure you're probably thinking: the poor confused guy. But why should women bear the burden of decision-making in a relationship?
Why is there an expectation that the woman will make the majority of the choices - from the minor and flippant, such as what to wear, to the more major, such as where to live?
It is as if, on top of everything else, she has to become the chief decision-maker, the 'decider.'
Studies appear to confirm that women are increasingly the dominant decision-making force in relationships.
A recent report found that by 2020 women will be driving the world economy and will have the final say in the majority of financial decisions in Britain's homes. Another study found that women make 80 per cent of all purchasing decisions, and 94 per cent of home furnishing purchases.
The study also found that in nearly half of all relationships men have no share in decision-making in the following four areas: household finances, big home purchases, the location of their homes, shared weekend activities and television viewing.
Some have hailed these figures as cause for celebration - women have the power. Personally, I think they're cause for concern. If we're really striving for equality, then surely that should reach out into all aspects of life. But most women I know don't feel like this.
One of my friends, a stay-at-home mother to two young children, says she is absolutely 'the decider' in her marriage.
'My husband earns the money and I decide how we spend it,' she says. 'I feed and dress us all. I decide where and when we go on holiday. I choose everything for the house and have just decided to get an extension.
'I even buy my own birthday present from my husband and our children. Actually, I quite often feel as if I have three children, not two. But that's the way it is.'
She went on: 'If I had to consult and strive for equality in every decision, we'd never get anything done. It sounds very old-fashioned, but basically my husband is the provider - in financial terms - and I am in charge of running the show.
'Some people would no doubt say my husband's "under the thumb" or that I "wear the trousers". Although I hate the thought, it's probably true.'
Jenny, a consultant urologist, sees things from a different perspective. 'I work in a very male-oriented environment. I watch men strut about the hospital. At work, they hold all the power. Some of them clearly revel in it - they actually get off on bossing junior people, often women, about.
'But when I see them with their wives, they are completely different people. They are like little boys. They do as they're told. They ask permission to have a drink. It's as if, for a lot of them, their wives are more like their mothers than their equals.
'I am exactly the same person whether I'm at work or at home. I regard my husband as my absolute equal and I treat him as my absolute equal. But my male colleagues aren't like that.
'They're like two completely different people - at home I get the impression they don't have much power.
'The wife has it all. At work, they seem to overcompensate for that and strut about like little masters of the universe.' Some experts believe that a lot of men like to have a 'wife-led' relationship, saying it makes them feel relatively 'safe and mothered'.
And there are plenty of celebrity couples who appear to enjoy this kind of partnership.
Last year, at a post-Oscar party Calista Flockhart was heard telling her partner Harrison Ford to go easy on the champagne, prompting celebrity watchers to suggest the actor was well and truly under the thumb.
David Beckham, Brad Pitt and Gavin Henson have also been dubbed at various times 'hen-pecked'.
But the very idea of being in a relationship in which another person makes decisions on your behalf terrifies others.
One male friend said it was watching his friends change from free- spirited, independent individuals to emasculated husbands that put him off marriage. 'I would say the vast majority of my male friends are subservient to their wives.
'They'd never admit this, of course. But it's blindingly obvious. They remind me of that cartoon in which a woman is grinning manically and gripping on to her husband, saying: "Our marriage has been so successful because we are open to each other's points of view, and we always think for ourselves - isn't that right, dear?"
'The husband is nodding frantically. It's an exaggeration, obviously, but it's not too far from what I see. I am afraid of ending up like that. Which is why I've decided to give marriage a body-swerve.'
I understand his fears. I come from a family of strong, dominant women. I'm not sure I want the role. But at the same time I'm not sure I want the other extreme. I cherish my autonomy too much. Someone making all the decisions on my behalf is as unappealing as being in charge of everything.
This may all sound terribly petty and insignificant. But it is often a crucial factor in the health and survival of a relationship.
Most of us tell ourselves that, if we are part of a couple, we make decisions together and treat each other as equals with no power relations. This fits with the image of a modern relationship as one of balance, trust and equality.
But this is rarely the case in real life. I remember a famous psychologist saying that, though we all like to think otherwise, competitiveness and potential hostility pervade all human relationships.
As a result, making decisions as part of a couple - whether about handling money, housework, social life or children - is often fraught at some level (usually an unconscious one), with struggles for power and superiority.
As one therapist explained: 'One of the fundamental conflicts of human nature is the conflict between being an individual with your own sense of self, identity, autonomy and independence, and falling in love with someone, which involves giving up some of your identity, autonomy and independence.
'In an ideal world we would all get the balance right. There would be no dominant partner, no "decider". But in real life there is often a stronger, more dominant partner - and it is very often the woman - and a more submissive, or "laid-back" partner.
'If it works for both, fine. But problems arise when one begins to resent the role they are playing.'
I am convinced that the friend I mentioned - the one who's practically surrendered himself to his wife - is going to wake up one morning, perhaps in five years, perhaps in a decade, and think: 'How did this happen?'
And because human beings are generally bad at communicating their fears and resentments, I'm convinced his reaction will be to rebel, and in all likelihood, stray.
There is no doubt that in life it's often easier to have someone else make the decisions for us, no matter how big or small they are. But deep down, human beings like to believe - in fact, they need to believe - they have some control over their own lives.
Which is why striving for balance and equality in a relationship, though it takes real effort, is the best recipe for success in the end.
So if I were my friend's wife I would resist the urge to make all the big decisions on his behalf. Women shouldn't mother their partners. They're men. Not babies. And if a man wants to be mothered?
If he wants you to make all the decisions on his behalf? It's a red flag. Run a mile.
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